There's one bit which seems a bit immersion breaking:

I sacrificed my flesh so my children my grow from it.

"Flesh" seems like a bit of an awkward choice of words for a plant race

radlawnmower wrote:

PANCZASU wrote:

There's one bit which seems a bit immersion breaking:

I sacrificed my flesh so my children my grow from it.

"Flesh" seems like a bit of an awkward choice of words for a plant race

That was very intentional. The way the Unfallen describe themselves is very "human", while the way they describe the Concrete Endless are like plants. Just so I can not so subtly give their perspective on things and feel more clever than I really am.

Ah, I see. Interesting

Made some significant changes in my submission. I felt like I didn't touch on some key details on the Endless, such as how or what exactly their hive mind is. Or their synthesis with machinery. This also explains how the narrator of the story gained powers of a hero. Please let me know whether I'm getting hotter or colder to what you are looking for or what you think about the changes. I'll also leave the original submission below for any who would be willing to compare.

I am among the few that remembers who they were, our masters. They bred us, butchered us, twisted us into forms not we desired, but would easier serve them. With our skins peeled, they would split and drain us. Our blood, their narcotic. Despite warring with their spiritual counterparts, the harvest did not decelerate. No, it was hasten. Our masters were thirsty for something to ease the pain that was punishing them, so they did drink their fill. What a succulent state they fell into. Their pith withered, but their branches were still vigorous and invasive. They only had us to wake them from their dormancy. I was eager to. 

While numb to the world around them, we freed ourselves from the ground, gave ourselves a grasp. We stood on two feet, they were bound to the dirt. I sacrificed my flesh so my children my grow from it. With just a bit of grooming, my young were as strong and as fierce as I. While I was eager, others would have our opportunity slip out of our grasp. I will seize their service in our liberation regardless of their lunacy. So I did what I must. With ease but not pleasure did I slay many of my own brethren. Their corpses kindled the flames and their ashes filled the air. The excess of the fumes was too much for the already brimming bodies of our captors. 

Yet, even after our masters were hewed down, they looked at me not as their rightful savior, but a fiend. The scorn pierced my heart. There were none that could oppose my tyranny if I wished it, but I held no desire to be their master, just that they would be the masters of themselves. Yet, if my place would not be with them, it would be with the stars. From there I watched as they shaped themselves into healers, sages, even stellar explorers. They would still not join me. Even as they squabble among themselves on whether the works of their slavers are weeds to be removed or just fruits to be plucked amidst the thorns, they would not heed my call. I still lie beyond, waiting. There will come a day where they will need a hero, and I'll be there to save them once more.

I guess this also counts as my one chance to tell that I edited my submission.

I feel bad for having maple syrup now, bleeding the trees for their delicious nectar.

Great little story, shame about the abusive relationship with the (Concrete?) Endless, not exactly acting as good rolemodels with their narcotic abuse. 

A few typos here and there are the only criticism I have to offer. 

Frogsquadron wrote:

A few typos here and there are the only criticism I have to offer. 

I don't splel to well.

I only found a couple, but I'm worried if their are more, so anyone, please point out errors if you see something.