ENDLESS™ Space 2 is turn-based 4X space-strategy that launches players into the space colonization age of different civilizations within the ENDLESS™ Universe. Your Vision. Their Future.
I like your take on considering an Unfallen ship the hero. I kind of struggled with that concept myself when writing my narrative and went a different direction. Definitely a good read!
Wow, thanks for the comments guys! I didn't check this thread for a few days, I didn't expect such positive response to my submission! Here's a pug of love for you: (since we have no heart icon lol)
Sotnik wrote:
Indeed, I did not figure that the story is split as you commented. Instead, for me it turned into a stream of schizophrenic madness.
An you know what?
I liked it.
Hah, that's certainly not what I expected! But I'm now re-reading the story with your interpretation in mind and I gotta admit, a bit of madness would make things quite fun indeed!
Updated 8 years ago.
Report comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancel
Are you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
Great submission. Creative in both writing style and subject. I like how both our stories have "ships" as main characters, but you take this concept much further than me, and in a great way. Best of luck!
Hey guys, just want to thank you for your support ^_^ Sadly, my RL has turned out to be very hectic in the past week or so and I wasn't able to visit the forums as much as I'd like
I won't be making any changes in my story at this point. Mostly because I have to stop browsing these forums asap cos I'm late already But also because it seems like you like the current version of my submission and I'm scared to mess around with it too much haha
Digitalhawk96 wrote:
DevildogFF wrote:
Damn, Pan, I really like this. I want to read more...
As PAN slowly turns into G.R.Martin...
"WHERE IS IT! WHERE IS THE NEXT BOOK PAN??!!" PAN WE NEED IT NOW, MY LUST FOR STORY IS UNQUENCHED!!!"
The mob follows you around harassing you, there is no escape.
Ah well, you are already an established writer here on the forums, not much of a change right?
Awwwwww, thank you~
echo2361 wrote:
I like your take on considering an Unfallen ship the hero. I kind of struggled with that concept myself when writing my narrative and went a different direction. Definitely a good read!
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
Frogsquadron wrote:
This is the first submission that I read from the point of view of a ship, and I quite like it.
*happiness intensifies*
Report comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancel
Are you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
The voices used to be so clear back when I was less of an individual. When I was seamlessly integrated with our community, one with the rest of us. And what am I now? The greatest and the pettiest of the Unfallen; through greatness I have discovered emptiness. Loneliness.
And others have followed suit.
“The darkness reaches for us.”
“Course has been modified. Preparing for the unending fall.”
“Implants remain integrated and functional. The emptiness doesn't hurt us. The cold doesn't hurt us.”
“Unending fall has began. It is a glorious day.”
My thoughts are interrupted by a sudden feeling of discomfort. I sense the environment around me; a seemingly cold, empty void between the stars, bellowing with unused potential. And what I discover fills me with dread.
Anger, fear and confusion. These are the emotions that I sense. A younger one has become lost among the stars. And it seeks salvation through violence like so many others. My energy field shines brightly as it repels the younger one's attack.
I try to calm it down. I try to show it the beauty of the emptiness around us. But it doesn't listen. It wants to escape reality.
And though it brings me grief, I shall respect its wishes. Like I did before.
“The emotions are overwhelming.”
“Potential floats in the emptiness. Like specks of gold. So small yet so beautiful.”
“They bring us power.”
“We shall harness them. Power brings stability. Stability means safety. Safety is important.”
The younger one is persistent. I can sense its sap draining as it struggles to fight me. But it's meaningless. I barely even notice the nausea caused by the power drain. I am one with my implants, more efficient then the younger one can imagine. The void around me twists as I reach for the Dust.
Moments later, the younger one stops thinking. It's now at peace. Unlike me.
I fear the voices. They idolise me. They worship the safety that I became a symbol of. And they fear me. They fear that my power will not only bring them peace but also destroy the very core of who we were.
In their indecisiveness they force younger ones into individuality. It mustn't continue. The madness needs to stop. And if I can't persuade them to stop, I will become their nightmare.
I must shape their will. Guide the younger ones through individuality, sentence the Unfallen into obedience. For if I don't do that, our kind is lost.
The voices shall hate me but there's no other way.
That's the end of my submission - exactly 500 words
I'll be honest, I'm not convinced that it has what it takes to win the competition. My writing is sloppy, I think I could've presented the same story in a better way. Nevertheless, I think it's an ok initial submission and I shall edit it if I find the time and skill to do so.
In case you haven't managed to figure it out (which would be my fault for presenting it wrongly), the story is split into two timelines. One, in which the first Unfallen ascends to the stars and discovers Dust. And one, where the same Unfallen thinks about its race's dream of peace and safety, shadowed by their fear of individuality. These are two seemingly conflicting goals: through Dust the Unfallen can become mighty and guarantee stability for their people but the very same Dust weakens their shared conciousness. The effects are similar to what happened to the Harmony, except far less negative.
I tried my best to stay true to previous submissions. Devildog put a lot of emphasis on the dual nature and shared conciousness of the Unfallen and I tried to recreate that. Meanwhile Digitalhawk's submission showed that it's possible for just one Unfallen to become a mighty spaceship which gave me the idea for my hero.
Edit (in case you need extra clarification):
To answer your question - yes, the point of view is of the ship itself, the first Unfallen ship that came into contact with Dust. And that's my hero as well. I tried to hint at its future - to take control of the Unfallen and safeguard its kind from becoming too disconnected from each other, too individualistic. The irony is that the rest of the Unfallen view individuality as an opportunity to become more powerful (like our hero has) and thus safer from external threats.
So our hero and the collective conciousness of the Unfallen (aka the voices) both want what's best for their race but they have contradicting ideas on how to achieve it. The individual wants collectivity. The collective wants individuality
Updated 8 years ago.
Report comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancel
Are you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
I don't know if that's helpful but since you have already written a pretty fleshed out story in all regards there is little I would change personally.
Thats all from me for now.
It's very helpful. Keep in mind that English is not my first language and punctuation has always been my greatest struggle (because of how absurdly different it is from my native tongue). Corrections like this are greatly appreciated!
DevildogFF wrote:
Damn, Pan, I really like this. I want to read more...
You have no idea how happy I am to read this! I did my best to stay true to your original vision of the Unfallen but was a little worried if I'm heading in the right direction. Seems like I no longer need to worry
Report comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancel
Are you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
When i was thinking about the narrative design phase looking at one of the first Unfallen Spaceships was one of my ideas I had in mind and you have taken it in an interesting direction in terms of structure. While my tone and structure would be different, you went with giving the Hero a sense of isolation, loneliness and a disgust of it own individuality - finding that reality is not exaclty as pleasing as they initially thought their "greatness" would reach to, calling themselves petty, lonely and they display in a sense, sadness that others have followed their example.
I like your use of the back and forth between reality, whats happening to the Unfallen "ship"; and their inner thoughts, a turmoil of short questions and thoughts of the inner voices. It seems that you have made good use of your 500 words, you haven't fallen prey to usage of the same descriptive word next to a copy of itself and the story is relatively packed, little has been wasted - however there is always room for refinement to some extent and I understand that, well if you have, used full stops a lot intentionally but perhaps the only real refinement you can do is use of certain words and punctuation.
Original:
The voices used to be so clear. Back when I was less of an individual. When I was seamlessly integrated with our community. One with the rest of us. And what am I now? The greatest and the pettiest of the Unfallen. Through greatness I have discovered emptiness. Loneliness.
And others have followed suit.
Punctuation Change:
The voices used to be so clear back when I was less of an individual. When I was seamlessly integrated with our community, one with the rest of us. And what am I now? The greatest and the pettiest of the Unfallen;through greatness I have discovered emptiness. Loneliness.
And others have followed suit.
I don't know if that's helpful but since you have already written a pretty fleshed out story in all regards there is little I would change personally.
Don't sell yourself short! This is a really interesting and well laid out story! My only critical feedback about it you already noticed, which is that on first read-through the time shenanigans aren't quite intuitive. Below I'll outline in more depth, feel free to ignore anything under here is you aren't interested.
There's no way I wouldn't be interested in your feedback. I'm very grateful you took the time to write it! Especially since you found an easy way to give me 3 extra words haha. I can now add the "the" you mentioned earlier!
I'll work on the 3rd flashback sequence; I have an idea how to improve it, just need to adjust the word count. I'll probably do it today.
I'm still thinking about how to make the separation between timelines more obvious but thankfully I still have lots of time until the submission phase ends
Again, all feedback is very welcome, thank you for posting!
Report comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancel
Are you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
Don't sell yourself short! This is a really interesting and well laid out story! My only critical feedback about it you already noticed, which is that on first read-through the time shenanigans aren't quite intuitive. Below I'll outline in more depth, feel free to ignore anything under here is you aren't interested.
Nit-picking begin!
Personally as a reader I felt that the phrases
“The emotions are overwhelming.”
and
“Energy comes into contact with us.”
work better in other flashback sections.
My comment for the first is that the third flashback segment feels like it concerns the discovery of Dust, but the first line feels suspiciously like it pairs with
“Unending fall has began. It is a glorious day.”
from the previous flashback section, not that it starts a new thought.
And my comment for the second is that it seems like that phrase needs a "The" at the start of it. To give it meaning beyond the base word itself.
This:
"The energy field that protects me shines brightly as it repels the younger one's attack."
could be rewritten as "My energy field shines brightly as it repels the younger one's attack" to gain those extra three words.
I really like this and your idea, so is this from the point of view of a actual ship? And that's your hero? I Was a bit confused, that's all :D
No worries, I'm happy you took the time to read my submission!
To answer your question - yes, the point of view is of the ship itself, the first Unfallen ship that came into contact with Dust. And that's my hero as well. I tried to hint at its future - to take control of the Unfallen and safeguard its kind from becoming too disconnected from each other, too individualistic. The irony is that the rest of the Unfallen view individuality as an opportunity to become more powerful (like our hero has) and thus safer from external threats.
So our hero and the collective conciousness of the Unfallen (aka the voices) both want what's best for their race but they have contradicting ideas on how to achieve it. The individual wants collectivity. The collective wants individuality
Report comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancel
Are you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
echo2361
Literary
To Boldly Go...
echo2361
Literary
19 500g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report echo2361?
Are you sure you want to block echo2361 ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock echo2361 ?
UnblockCancelVIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
~Proud to be a SONE~ And also a maker of hundreds of videos for Amplitude's games ;)
VIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
50 700g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
UnblockCancelSotnik
Amoeba
Sotnik
Amoeba
30 300g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Sotnik?
Are you sure you want to block Sotnik ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Sotnik ?
UnblockCancelPakthargus
Old Survivor
All your bases are belong to us!
Pakthargus
Old Survivor
32 400g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Pakthargus?
Are you sure you want to block Pakthargus ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Pakthargus ?
UnblockCancelBannerStamp
Savior
Accept the current state, and device the next best move.
BannerStamp
Savior
14 500g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report BannerStamp?
Are you sure you want to block BannerStamp ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock BannerStamp ?
UnblockCancelcarolean7
Guardian
Don't sweat petty things, and don't pet sweaty thing.
carolean7
Guardian
17 900g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report carolean7?
Are you sure you want to block carolean7 ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock carolean7 ?
UnblockCancelGameslayer989
Dust
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZ8k4PJy4TyLo9rjLIxZE4g
Gameslayer989
Dust
11 200g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Gameslayer989?
Are you sure you want to block Gameslayer989 ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Gameslayer989 ?
UnblockCancelVIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
~Proud to be a SONE~ And also a maker of hundreds of videos for Amplitude's games ;)
VIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
50 700g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
UnblockCancelDEVFrogsquadron
Broken
Frogsquadron / François (\franswa\) "I am tormented with an everlasting itch for things remote. I love to sail forbidden seas."
DEVFrogsquadron
Broken
52 300g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Frogsquadron?
Are you sure you want to block Frogsquadron ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Frogsquadron ?
UnblockCancelVIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
~Proud to be a SONE~ And also a maker of hundreds of videos for Amplitude's games ;)
VIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
50 700g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
UnblockCancelVIPDigitalhawk96
Mirror
継続は力なり。 (Keizoku wa chikara nari) Perseverance is power.
VIPDigitalhawk96
Mirror
32 800g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Digitalhawk96?
Are you sure you want to block Digitalhawk96 ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Digitalhawk96 ?
UnblockCancelVIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
~Proud to be a SONE~ And also a maker of hundreds of videos for Amplitude's games ;)
VIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
50 700g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
UnblockCancelMODDevildogFF
Unfallen Founder
Creator of the Unfallen concept. "To move freely, one must be deeply rooted."
MODDevildogFF
Unfallen Founder
44 200g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report DevildogFF?
Are you sure you want to block DevildogFF ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock DevildogFF ?
UnblockCancelVIPDigitalhawk96
Mirror
継続は力なり。 (Keizoku wa chikara nari) Perseverance is power.
VIPDigitalhawk96
Mirror
32 800g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Digitalhawk96?
Are you sure you want to block Digitalhawk96 ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Digitalhawk96 ?
UnblockCancelVIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
~Proud to be a SONE~ And also a maker of hundreds of videos for Amplitude's games ;)
VIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
50 700g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
UnblockCancelTlaloc
Iron Addict
Made you look.
Tlaloc
Iron Addict
35 900g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Tlaloc?
Are you sure you want to block Tlaloc ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Tlaloc ?
UnblockCancelVIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
~Proud to be a SONE~ And also a maker of hundreds of videos for Amplitude's games ;)
VIPPangolinAdvisor
Fanatic
50 700g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report PangolinAdvisor?
Are you sure you want to block PangolinAdvisor ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock PangolinAdvisor ?
UnblockCancelBluecreeper101
World Celestial
Boom
Bluecreeper101
World Celestial
28 300g2g ptsReport comment
Why do you report Bluecreeper101?
Are you sure you want to block Bluecreeper101 ?
BlockCancelAre you sure you want to unblock Bluecreeper101 ?
UnblockCancel