Wow, thanks for the comments guys! I didn't check this thread for a few days, I didn't expect such positive response to my submission! Here's a pug of love for you:  (since we have no heart icon lol)

Sotnik wrote:

Indeed, I did not figure that the story is split as you commented. Instead, for me it turned into a stream of schizophrenic madness. 

An you know what?

I liked it.

Hah, that's certainly not what I expected!  But I'm now re-reading the story with your interpretation in mind and I gotta admit, a bit of madness would make things quite fun indeed!

Indeed, I did not figure that the story is split as you commented. Instead, for me it turned into a stream of schizophrenic madness. 

An you know what?

I liked it.

“We are restless”

“The climb continues. Gravity won't stop us.”

“The sensation is unique. Let us all feel it.”

The voices used to be so clear back when I was less of an individual. When I was seamlessly integrated with our community, one with the rest of us. And what am I now? The greatest and the pettiest of the Unfallen; through greatness I have discovered emptiness. Loneliness.

And others have followed suit.

“The darkness reaches for us.”

“Course has been modified. Preparing for the unending fall.”

“Implants remain integrated and functional. The emptiness doesn't hurt us. The cold doesn't hurt us.”

“Unending fall has began. It is a glorious day.”

My thoughts are interrupted by a sudden feeling of discomfort. I sense the environment around me; a seemingly cold, empty void between the stars, bellowing with unused potential. And what I discover fills me with dread.

Anger, fear and confusion. These are the emotions that I sense. A younger one has become lost among the stars. And it seeks salvation through violence like so many others. My energy field shines brightly as it repels the younger one's attack.

I try to calm it down. I try to show it the beauty of the emptiness around us. But it doesn't listen. It wants to escape reality.

And though it brings me grief, I shall respect its wishes. Like I did before.

“The emotions are overwhelming.”

“Potential floats in the emptiness. Like specks of gold. So small yet so beautiful.”

“They bring us power.”

“We shall harness them. Power brings stability. Stability means safety. Safety is important.”

The younger one is persistent. I can sense its sap draining as it struggles to fight me. But it's meaningless. I barely even notice the nausea caused by the power drain. I am one with my implants, more efficient then the younger one can imagine. The void around me twists as I reach for the Dust.

Moments later, the younger one stops thinking. It's now at peace. Unlike me.

I fear the voices. They idolise me. They worship the safety that I became a symbol of. And they fear me. They fear that my power will not only bring them peace but also destroy the very core of who we were.

In their indecisiveness they force younger ones into individuality. It mustn't continue. The madness needs to stop. And if I can't persuade them to stop, I will become their nightmare.

I must shape their will. Guide the younger ones through individuality, sentence the Unfallen into obedience. For if I don't do that, our kind is lost.

The voices shall hate me but there's no other way.

“The energy comes into contact with us.”

“I can sense it. It's complex beyond imagination.

“We are confused. What was sensed? What is 'I'?”

“...It is unknown.”

“What is 'I'?”

“I... I do not know. What... am I?”

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That's the end of my submission - exactly 500 words

I'll be honest, I'm not convinced that it has what it takes to win the competition. My writing is sloppy, I think I could've presented the same story in a better way. Nevertheless, I think it's an ok initial submission and I shall edit it if I find the time and skill to do so.

In case you haven't managed to figure it out (which would be my fault for presenting it wrongly), the story is split into two timelines. One, in which the first Unfallen ascends to the stars and discovers Dust. And one, where the same Unfallen thinks about its race's dream of peace and safety, shadowed by their fear of individuality.  These are two seemingly conflicting goals: through Dust the Unfallen can become mighty and guarantee stability for their people but the very same Dust weakens their shared conciousness. The effects are similar to what happened to the Harmony, except far less negative.

I tried my best to stay true to previous submissions. Devildog put a lot of emphasis on the dual nature and shared conciousness of the Unfallen and I tried to recreate that. Meanwhile Digitalhawk's submission showed that it's possible for just one Unfallen to become a mighty spaceship which gave me the idea for my hero.

Edit (in case you need extra clarification): 

To answer your question - yes, the point of view is of the ship itself, the first Unfallen ship that came into contact with Dust. And that's my hero as well. I tried to hint at its future - to take control of the Unfallen and safeguard its kind from becoming too disconnected from each other, too individualistic. The irony is that the rest of the Unfallen view individuality as an opportunity to become more powerful (like our hero has) and thus safer from external threats.

So our hero and the collective conciousness of the Unfallen (aka the voices) both want what's best for their race but they have contradicting ideas on how to achieve it. The individual wants collectivity. The collective wants individuality

When i was thinking about the narrative design phase looking at one of the first Unfallen Spaceships was one of my ideas I had in mind and you have taken it in an interesting direction in terms of structure. While my tone and structure would be different, you went with giving the Hero a sense of isolation, loneliness and a disgust of it own individuality - finding that reality is not exaclty as pleasing as they initially thought their "greatness" would reach to, calling themselves petty, lonely and they display in a sense, sadness that others have followed their example.

I like your use of the back and forth between reality, whats happening to the Unfallen "ship"; and their inner thoughts, a turmoil of short questions and thoughts of the inner voices. It seems that you have made good use of your 500 words, you haven't fallen prey to usage of the same descriptive word next to a copy of itself and the story is relatively packed, little has been wasted - however there is always room for refinement to some extent and I understand that, well if you have, used full stops a lot intentionally but perhaps the only real refinement you can do is use of certain words and punctuation. 

Original:

The voices used to be so clear. Back when I was less of an individual. When I was seamlessly integrated with our community. One with the rest of us. And what am I now? The greatest and the pettiest of the Unfallen. Through greatness I have discovered emptiness. Loneliness.

And others have followed suit.

Punctuation Change:

The voices used to be so clear back when I was less of an individual. When I was seamlessly integrated with our community, one with the rest of us. And what am I now? The greatest and the pettiest of the Unfallen; through greatness I have discovered emptiness. Loneliness.

And others have followed suit.

I don't know if that's helpful but since you have already written a pretty fleshed out story in all regards there is little I would change personally.

Thats all from me for now.

Don't sell yourself short! This is a really interesting and well laid out story! My only critical feedback about it you already noticed, which is that on first read-through the time shenanigans aren't quite intuitive. Below I'll outline in more depth, feel free to ignore anything under here is you aren't interested.

Nit-picking begin!

Personally as a reader I felt that the phrases 

“The emotions are overwhelming.”

and

“Energy comes into contact with us.”

work better in other flashback sections.

My comment for the first is that the third flashback segment feels like it concerns the discovery of Dust, but the first line feels suspiciously like it pairs with

“Unending fall has began. It is a glorious day.”

from the previous flashback section, not that it starts a new thought.

And my comment for the second is that it seems like that phrase needs a "The" at the start of it. To give it meaning beyond the base word itself.

This:

"The energy field that protects me shines brightly as it repels the younger one's attack."

could be rewritten as "My energy field shines brightly as it repels the younger one's attack" to gain those extra three words.

Nit-picking end.