ENDLESS™ Space 2 is turn-based 4X space-strategy that launches players into the space colonization age of different civilizations within the ENDLESS™ Universe. Your Vision. Their Future.
„It wasn’t our fault. They started this war and all we wanted was to show them the miracles of stars! They were simply too young, too aggressive, too foolish!” – I say this every time when my brothers ask me about what happen to us in the past. But the truth is different, I was there, I saw what really happen… and I’m responsible for everything that happen to our kind. When you are a part of Yoroi it’s hard to hide your thoughts… even painful… but my sacrifice is necessary, the truth would destroy my people.
I’m the last “one-who-remember” but I’m sick when I see my reflection because I lie to my own brothers and children. All what happen to us was our fault – they were ignorant and brutish, but we had to be wise! We shouldn’t use our weapons! “We are not monsters” – I’m trying to convince myself but it’s hard task, because… we killed them, we killed them all… our animal-brothers. We were born on the same planet and we didn’t know about each other for long time. WE used to be until They come… we didn’t know their purpose, but they changed us, opened our mind and showed us unspeakable miracles… then they disappeared, but our evolution ran by itself... soon we heard them - lesser-ones, and by them we felt our animal-brothers... and we were curious.
Animals… poor mindless animals… we tried to show them technology, stars… we wanted to teach them, but they were wicked. After we showed them our machines of defense, they used it against us! Against us, their brothers and teachers! That day we learned terrible things – hate and desire of revenge. That was horrible time, when they were destroying us… but we had technology and we used it. We killed them all... we destroyed this unique kind. That day we became monsters… unholy hybrids of machines and our own bodies.
I was silent for too long, I have to speak to my brothers, show them way, give them purpose… even it’s unreal and untouchable. They shouldn’t think about our past… they aren't guilty.
“Brothers!” – I started – “We have to reach Nayara – our absolution and enlightenment - perfect state of mind and soul. During this long journey we will meet younger and more ignorant people. Our great mission is to show them that anger and violence are not the answer!” – they cheer, I hate this – “We have thorns but not for the attack, we are over it… but we will not be defenseless! I, Zimaes alk Derau, the first teacher, the first killer, the first defender of our kind and holy seeker of Nayara promise you, my brothers, we will achieve Nayara and we will vanished sins of our past! Will they understand or help us? I don’t know but soon we will reborn as incarnation of peace… and younger-ones will follow us, because we will be perfect!”.
A few words of explanation
It’s self-confession and beginning of speech of Zimaes alk Derau – the oldest Unfallen… the first killer.
Dictionary:
Yoroi – collective mind
One who remember – Unfallen who saw and was modified by Endless
Nayara – Unfallen version of Nirvana
About this nation:
They evolve parallel to animal nation on their planet. Some day Endless come, choose Unfallen and give them technology – no one know why… maybe it was an experiment? After visit of Endless, Unfallen started to communicate with another plants. The rest history is rather simple – they find animals, animals attacked and Unfallen using advanced technology kill them all. There are not many Unfallen who remember first war, but by their collective mind they all feel responsible for genocide. Only person who know all story is Zimaes alk Derau.
Zimaes alk Derau – he’s the oldest Unfallen who survived their first war… and the Unfallen who commanded to kill the all animals. By his age, he became a leader but for a long time he lived in isolation thinking about his past. Now he’s seeking absolution and will use his own kind to find it.
Nice. A self reflection and redemption pretext. I'm liking this hero you are drawing up through this and the potential for an in game quest regarding such motivations.
Really the only thing to be done is work on structure and grammar and so on, the finer things; to round it all out as a nice finished product. Right now the story is 415 words so you have ample breathing room to expand or contact the story.
“It’s not our fault. They start this war… we wanted to show miracles of stars, but they were too young, too aggressive, too stupid!” – that’s my answer when my brothers ask – “Why”… it’s terrible, but only I don’t believe in my own words, I don’t believe that we were innocent, that we were victims! Luckily my brothers don’t know my opinion…it’s painful and sad but they should not know my thoughts… the responsibility would destroy them.
“It’s not our fault. They started this war and all we wanted was to show them the miracles of stars! They were simply too young, too aggressive, too foolish!” I say this with resoluteness to my brothers when they ask me “Why", "How did this happen"; yet I don’t believe in my own words; I don’t believe that we, theinnocent, that they were the aggressors, that we are the victims! I hide it well from them, my brothers, they do not know how I ache inside, the unbearable pain and sadness I feel every solar day. Yet I cannot reveal my inner turmoil to them, I must bear this torment, for this responsibility would destroy them."
For I am he is the struggler..
.
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
In any case, thats what I would do to improve the story that you already have here, really its just corrections and wordplay; especially in the first paragraph which seems just to my eye alone a bit messy. However fundamentally you have a great short story here and I enjoy the context of it all together. Keep it up.
I think "one who remember" should be changed to "one who saw" or something like this. Because if one of community-with-shared-consciousness knows/remembers something, all other know/remember it too
I think "one who remember" should be changed to "one who saw" or something like this. Because if one of community-with-shared-consciousness knows/remembers something, all other know/remember it too
After long thoughts... "one who remember" is honorable title. We shouldn't treat creatures with collective mind as one giant brain, in my opinion each Unfallen is like databank which store his own memories, also sharing consciousness should have its limits (distance or how many creatures we have) and in society should be chosen-ones, who have more freewill (controlers or shepherds).
When we think about Unfallen in that way "one who remember" - is somebody like memory donor, one who was there/took part and remember it for whole kind and who "stores" informations for race. What happens when Unfallen die? His memory will be lost... but don't worry, they have special caste to remember the most important memories - scribes.
I think "one who remember" should be changed to "one who saw" or something like this. Because if one of community-with-shared-consciousness knows/remembers something, all other know/remember it too
After long thoughts... "one who remember" is honorable title. We shouldn't treat creatures with collective mind as one giant brain, in my opinion each Unfallen is like databank which store his own memories, also sharing consciousness should have its limits (distance or how many creatures we have) and in society should be chosen-ones, who have more freewill (controlers or shepherds).
When we think about Unfallen in that way "one who remember" - is somebody like memory donor, one who was there/took part and remember it for whole kind and who "stores" informations for race. What happens when Unfallen die? His memory will be lost... but don't worry, they have special caste to remember the most important memories - scribes.
Well, in Protoss society, successors are a kind of ,,living chronicles'' They are trained to control Khala (Protoss mental community unifying all their feelings and emotions) and remember every singular event from the past.
So, well, it's something like your scribes. But don't treat it as something bad, it's a very good idea!
In fact, I think that my winning chances are going to reach 0,000001%, if more people start follow your way.
You're a few words over the limit (wordcounter.net counts 509 words). Make sure you fit within the alloted limit. As others pointed out, making a few corrections, grammar and spelling would be beneficial.
You're a few words over the limit (wordcounter.net counts 509 words). Make sure you fit within the alloted limit. As others pointed out, making a few corrections, grammar and spelling would be beneficial.
Thanks for the info, it would be a shame if I get disqualified by few words. I hope that my corrections will not make this submission worse (if it's possible).
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