Cool story, I like it. A couple questions though. In the 1st paragraph, by "bound" do you mean "bond"? Second, when you say "War spoke...", do you mean there is actually a character named War? What is his burden? Why is that his name?

Anyway, I like what you laid out. Just could use some small proof reading. Well done!   

carolean7 wrote:

Cool story, I like it. A couple questions though. In the 1st paragraph, by "bound" do you mean "bond"? Second, when you say "War spoke...", do you mean there is actually a character named War? What is his burden? Why is that his name?

Anyway, I like what you laid out. Just could use some small proof reading. Well done!   

Ha yeah, I sorta rushed to get this done in about 20 minutes so I gave it one quick proof reading before sending it off. In terms of the characters, there are the Guardians, The First being the leader and founder of the Unfallen and the others being the oldest members of the Unfallen. The link in my version is a great conscious that shared by all members of the race, however there are hints of self awareness among the individual Unfallen. This means that an individual member would go insane if they attempted to listen to all the thoughts and feelings of every member. This problem leads to a council of elders or guardians who all take up guidance roles of specific parts of the link. War focuses on strategy, pain violence and glory. Other Guardians such as Worship focus on the spiritual needs of the Unfallen, if an issue is too great for one of them individually, The First steps in. As you can imagine, someone like Peace has a much easier job, focusing on the good aspects of life while War is burdened with the pain and tragedy that comes with War. 

Thank you for the support!  

I love how you end with a cliff hanger. The sapling that's introduced midway through and developed more at the end greatly amplified my curiosity to wonder, "what is this sapling talking about?" I can see that your story is foreshadowing something that threatens the familial ties of the Unfallen. But the sapling seem to hint at familial division or at least the introduction of at least one Unfallen group that is alien to the normative Unfallen cluster. There is also hints of the rise in criminal Unfallen activity and even a new sensation, fear.

Nice build-up. There is definitely a potential for a faction quest in this burgeoning (haha see what I did there) drama.

Frogsquadron wrote:

Nice build-up. There is definitely a potential for a faction quest in this burgeoning (haha see what I did there) drama.

I got a good chuckle, I must say.

Sotnik wrote:

I really like how you represented Unfallen shared contentiousness as "co-feeling". That's a very good approach allowing to avoid hive-mindedness!

Woodfin wrote:

The First had awoken from his slumber, 

It is curios that our "progenitor" characters have almost the same name. Reading all these submissions is always rewarding because one can always enjoy either his own originality or like-mindedness with other authors :).

Frogsquadron wrote:

Nice build-up. There is definitely a potential for a faction quest in this burgeoning (haha see what I did there) drama. 

Lol, nice pun! It is also a very special basis for a faction quest what would brightly stand out Unfallen among the other factions.

P.S.  for the title. I like the word "Utopia")

Great minds think alike my friend!

I give you my first vote because your tale is a rare case of doubting lawful-goodness of Unfallen nature. I don't want to see LOTR-style treants in this game).

Sotnik wrote:

I give you my first vote because your tale is a rare case of doubting lawful-goodness of Unfallen nature. I don't want to see LOTR-style treants in this game).

Same here!

It might be just my personal bias but I like to see some internal issues, some drama, some difficult decisions to make and nasty situations to deal with. Especially when it concerns a pacifist faction such as the Unfallen. I kinda wish that The First was evil at heart (and created the link not for the sake of the community but for his own) but I'll take what I can get!