And so it seemed like business as usual for the 'Guardians of the endless'. They had even scored some nice bounty. I mean, seriously, the unfallen might forget about their pacifist tendencies sooner rather than later to avoid their ships to ... well ... fall in combat.

They probably will learn to do that soon but, in the meantime, the crew was enjoying the spoils of their ambush.

And then ... it hit them: A voice seemingly coming from nowhere talking to them.

Robin: Hey guys, didn't you forgot to introduce yourself in the last/first episode? Oh, and I am Robin by the way ... hi.

The crew: What the foxtrot ?!!
Lumeris Captain: I may have abused some 'substances' last night.
United Empire Dude: talk for yourself 'your majesty' despite my origins, I am as sober as a camel ... oh, and dust ain't no foxtroting Spice, ' your majesty'!

Robin: Guys, can we stay focused here? 

The crew. Alright, alright.

There was a short moment of silence.

United empire dude: By the way, how about you tell us more about yourself, Robin ? And please tell me you're a magnificent and sexy specimen of the female kind.

The rest of the crew: Oh noes! Not again! (I am Horatio!)

They collectively facepalmed to emphasize their embarrassment towards the United Empire 'dude'.

Robin: Well, Robin ain't my real name, it's just my pen name ... which should tell you something about what I am doing right now but, also, something about yourselves as well.

Sophont dude: Hum ... what do you mean by that? ... oh noes !!!

The sophont looked at the rest of the crew and they all realized the truth and facepalmed at the exact same time ... they were characters in a (bad fan) fiction.

Robin: Alright, now that's out of the way, who wants to start? How about 'your majesty', it seems normal for the captain of the crew to talk first.

Lumeris Captain: What a delightful idea! I am Cleo of the four families. And from my outstanding, glamorous and lavish looks, you will, of course, have guessed that I am Lumeris.  And my superb oratory skills and charisma only confirms that. I am the captain for a reason you know?

Robin: You also forgot to mention  that you have faked a blood relationship to the four families, that you have been charged with, and I quote: '

 'Embezzlement on a massive scale, black market trafficking (drugs especially), media manipulation, insider trading, murder and conspiracy to commit murder on the four families.'

Cleo: That's not true !!

Robin: And there is a bounty on your head: A big amount of dust for bringing you alive, and twice that amount to bring you dead.

United Federation Dude: And let's not forgot that you are quite, quite overweight 'your majesty'.

Cleo: Are you suggesting I am one sandwich away from fat?

United Federation Dude: No, I am saying that happened about two thousands sandwiches ago.

The rest of the crew chuckle at the latest jab against their captain.

Robin: And how about you introduce yourself, sir? I am getting tired of calling you 'United Federation dude'.

Benedikt von Kaltenwald: <- Check here to see my full name And you may simply Benedikt by the way. Or 'you awesomeness'. I am a big shot back at home. I started as a worker, became an engineer, switched to propaganda broadcasting and ended up as the finest diplomat in the empire. Also, as you certainly have noticed, I am quite the Ladies man.

The rest of the crew looked at Benedikt with dubitative faces (or something 'else' for some of them).

Robin: If by being a  worker and an engineer you meant building illegal weapons and such, then yes, you were those things. And while you may have worked at propaganda for a while, I am assuming the emperor didn't appreciate the lack of respect you showed towards him.

Benedikt: But I always worked in the interest of the empire!

Robin: If by that you mean insulting, manipulating and killing those who stand in your way in order to become emperor, then yes, you DO have the interests of the empire at heart. I am also assuming that your 'parties' with the Emperor's daughter, didn't win you any favors with him.

The rest of the crew: Yeah, take that in your face you alphahole !! Mwahahaha.

Robin: and finally, like Cleo here, there is a big bounty on your head: a huge amount for you alive, and twice as much for you dead (see what I did there?).

Craver dude: It should also be mentioned that you are old, OLD Benedikt. Heck, one could say that you're practically a fossil. I am sure the Sophont and Unfallen here won't disagree with me. How about they present themselves by the way.

Robin turned their gaze towards the new person talking with a sarcastic smile.

Robin: How about your turn 'Craver Dude' ?

Naska the unchained:  <-- See my name there and, well, unlike Benedikt. I am quite the run-of-the-mill Craver or member of my faction if you ask me. I enslave, kill and deplete people and worlds left and right. I am awesome not only in a brawl and space battles but ... any kind of fight really. Oh ... And I am not a 'Dude', I am female, I am a girl.

Benedikt looked at Naska with a dubitative look.

Benedikt: You are a girl, really? A man with such knowledge of the female body and mind would have noticed.

Robin: I'll get back to you later, Benedikt. Now, Naska, if by 'run-of-the-mill', you mean the kind that does not only enslave and devour others races but does this to her own as well, then, yes, you are a 'run-of-the-mill' Craver. Though I have to admit ... you are quite good in a fight. Also, I must, reluctantly agree that you are a woman.

Naska: At least a compliment! Thank you!

Robin: Not so fast. Why do the other cravers gave you the moniker of 'the unchained' I wonder? Oh, that's right, you are so unchained by matters of ethics and morals that even your race wants you dead. As or the other factions, well, they have placed a bounty on your head. A big amount of dust Alive, and twice that amount dead (noticing a trend here?).

It was at that moment that wooden tendrils dashed in a very aggressive manner towards Naska. The Tree man to whom those tendrils belonged entered the bridge in a very wrathful manner.

Unfallen Dude: Our rations reserves ... depleting them ... that must stop ... NOW !!!

Cleo: Euh .. How about speaking in a normal manner, all the crew here know that you can do that.

Robin: And take the opportunity to introduce yourself, by the way, Mr. Unfallen 'Dude'.

IgnusXicario: See what I did there? I mean, come on, everybody is doing that. So in the interest of galactic peace, rainbow spewing unicorn and other kinds of adorable fluffies, I thought it would be the right thing to do. I am a pacifist that way.

Benedikt: You, a pacifist, really? Hey, Robin, might the rest of the crew take the lead on that one?

and after a very short moment of thinking ...

Robin: Be my guest. *bows*

Benedikt: Alright. How about we start talking about IgnusXicario's violent tendencies? By the way, can we call you Ignus from now on?

Ignus: Uh...

Benedikt: Good, and by violent tendencies, I mean the REALLY violent kind. Which makes you a great bouncer by the way ... but a poor diplomat.

Ignus: But, I've sought peace!!

The rest of the crew cracked up in laughter.

Cleo: You mean like you did with the guy when we try to negotiate prices on a stolen bounty ... well ... the forensics are still trying to find some missing pieces from his body.

Ignus: But I thought that by showing 'strength', the negotiation would go more 'smoothly'. Having bigger guns, arms or branches help in that right? 'If you want peace. prepare for war' ...  or something like that.

Cleo: Which, again, makes you a poor diplomat but an appropriate addition to the crew (notice I didn't say 'fine').

Naska: And how about your obsession with fire? You do like to burn stuff down now, don't you? ... don't deny it. For the readers, Mr. Ignus here is our ... well ... resident pyromaniac. So, Molotov cocktails, incendiary bombs and ammo and, of course, things like flamethrowers are kind of his specialty. And by Pyromaniac, I am that word with a capital 'P' ... you know the kind that likes to see which temperature is required not to 'awaken' an unfallen acorn but, rather, reduce it to ashes and dust in the most efficient manner possible.

Ignus: But ... but ... I brought them eternal peace, not to mention providing some good fertilizer in the process.

The rest of the crew responded with a collective facepalm.

Sophont Dude: Which is exactly why the Unfallen have placed a bounty on your head: A large amount of dust alive, and twice that amount dead.

Robin: 'looking at the sophont'. HUM!!!!!

Anathema or Ana for short: Oh, right, the introduction. Well, like everyone else, you can see might on the ... EH!! ... THAT IS NOT MY NAME!!! ... especially not for such a renowned scientist as me.

Benedikt: hum ... round two Robin?

Robin: Round two indeed Benedikt, you may shoot first.

Benedikt warmed up for 'round two' with a sadistic smile.

Benedikt: hehe ... it's gonna be fun. Now, everyone present here and the readers probably know that Sophont will generally go to any length in their 'scientific' research. Well, Ana here is the first sophont to have the dubious honor of being the first of his race to be declared 'anathema' ... thus the nickname. And why you may ask? Because, Ana is so reckless in his 'research' that even people like sophonts find him dangerous, so dangerous that they put a bounty on his head, by the way, a bit like the rest of us really.

Ana: I must protest. I was doing some valid 'research' on a variety of 'interesting' and 'constructive' subjects.

Ignus: Like the failed 'planet buster' project ... okay ... that one crime didn't rank very high among the sophont.

Naska: What about the splicing experiments on other sophonts?

The sophont pirate certainly looked nervous, awkwardly trying to formulate a response.

Ana: Well, I was working for the glorious cause of transsophonism. What's wrong with that?

Naska: Well, perhaps you shouldn't have forced this on so many of your brethren. The fact that most of them died in the process, and the survivors are no longer functional in any kind of way .. well ... it really didn't help.

Ana: Okay, fine, but that's not the worst anyone can do, right? Right?

Cleo: Correct, you did worse. Your proposals for modifying ENFER were so outlandish that, again, even the sophont couldn't help but find them evil. And no, for the sake of decency, I will not repeat what those were ... only that books like '1984' sounds like a kindergarten story in comparison. Sometimes, I wonder if you're not more trouble than you are worth Ana.

Ana: Well, I am the mechanic here for a reason. And by the way, I finished upgraded our missile launchers to titanium grade. You are most welcome.

Cleo's eyes suddenly started to spark with ... hum ... what's that appropriate word here?

Cleo: Titanium enhanced missiles and launcher? Dusty!!

Benedikt: You mean shiny, right? 

Cleo: No no, I meant dusty. Weren't you the one who pointed out to me what kind of world we live in? As in related to dust I mean.

Benedikt: What the foxt**t do you ... oh wait ... that's a good point actually.

Ana : (sensing the attention is slowly starting to drift away from him) Hum Robin ... haven't you forgotten someone? One last member of the team needs to introduce himself.

He pointed out to a humanoid form gussying up with a mirror.

Robin: Nice try, Ana, nice try. But okay, I'll conclude you resume with this: there's a bounty on your head. A lot of dust for you alive, and twice that amount dead. Now with that out of the way ... I am not sure we'll be able to introduce the last member of the crew fully today. There might be a ... technical issue with that.

The crew looked at Robin through the 4th wall visibly confused

Ignus: I have no idea what you mean.

The rest of the crew: Ditto here.

Robin: Well, let me demonstrate. Hey you, bald guy with the oversized head in the corner ... yeah, you! Could you stop admiring yourself and adjusting your makeup in front of the mirror and make your introduction? And make sure to leave no details out.

The so-called bald guy with an oversized head decided it was time for the world to see its beauty. He stepped out of the shadows and said:

Bald guy with the oversized head: I am Horatio.

Robin: So, you see the problem there guys, don't you?

Cleo: Euh ... no? It was a rather complete response.

Benedikt: and did you need to go into so many details, Horatio?

Robin: You don't get it, do you guys? Well, Horatio, how did you end with a bounty on your head? You know? The kind where you are worth a lot of dust alive and twice that amount dead.

Horatio: (hesitate for a moment). I am Horatio?

The crew still looked dubitative at Robin's question.

Cleo: I still fail to see the problem.

Benedikt: are you kidding me, captain? The bald guy's speech was so long, I am almost dozed off.

Naska: Yeah, I thought the bastard would never shut up!!!

Ignus: Might have torched him if he kept going on like that!!!

A visibly frustrated Robin tried one last time to make their point across.

Robin:  You still don't get it, do you? Hey, bald guy with a big head, how did you come to join the crew?

Horatio: (looking really confused) Euh ... I am Horatio??

Cleo: Again, very well explained and ... oh ... I am starting to see the problem here. Your readers (if you have any that is) don't speak Horatio now, do they?

Robin: thank you for pointing that out Cleo. And since you're the captain, would it be too much for you to ask Ana here to build some kind of translation device in the future. So that my readers (that is if I have any) might understand our strange little friend here?

And now that each member was 'properly' introduced (except for one), there was one last piece of business for the day.

Benedikt: by the way Robin, what will be the title of our future 'glorious' adventures? And tell me there is a nice, sexy chick for me in there.

Robin: Okay. So, first Benedikt, please keep it in your pants ... second, I've decided to christen your adventures with the title (queue drum rolls) ...

Ignus: Come on! spill the goods already.

Robin: (continue drum rolls and then ... paf!) ... Guardians of the endless!!

Nyska: that's stupid.

Benedikt: Moronic!

Ana: Idiotic!!

Bald guy: I am Horatio !!!

Cleo: Not to mention: shamelessly derivative ... and why do I get the prescient feeling that more shameless derivative stuff is incoming?

Benedikt stared at the captain with an annoyed look.

Benedikt: Haven't we already established that Dust ain't Spice? Robin?

Robin: Do not change the subject Benedikt. (start to smile) Now, why did I pick up this title? Well ... can we say that you guys are joining in a pact of chivalry? You know, in the defense of puppies, orphans, soccer moms and all that?

The crew except Ignus: What?! NO!!! ARE YOU FOXTR***NG CRAZY!! (I am Horatio!)

Ignus: Yes !!! ... uh ... WHAT THE OTHER GUYS SAID!!

Robin's smile grew wider.

Robin: Then, can we say you are bound in a pact of brotherhood, loyalty, mutual protection, and stuff?

The whole crew: NOT AT ALL!! (I am Horatio!)

Robin's smile grew even wider.

Robin: a simple act of friendship then?

The whole crew: WHAT THE ... GET OUT!!! (I am Horatio!)

the author was now positively grinning, eheheh.

Robin: Well then ... can we say that you are all bound in a pact of unadulterated greed, where the goal of Dust accumulation justifies any means? ... like, say,  where violence, racket, black market trafficking, slavery, murder and other similar 'pleasantries' are common?

The whole crew: YEAH THAT!!! EXACTLY THAT!!! (I am Horatio!)

Turning toward the fourth wall to address the reader (that is if there is any)

Robin:  Well, my dear reader(s) (that is if there is even one of you). that's guardian of the endless for you. Now (turning back to the crew), if you want to get ... shall we say ... 'wealthier' in the future, might I suggest you head (point towards a node on the galaxy map) there?

Ana: that's one jump away from the Rejuvenation fields, right?

Robin: Correct, head there now and thanks me later, You may go now guys, do what 'good' pirates do. Planning ambushes, assaulting ships and plundering cargo and the like. We'll see you later.

Robin took a deep breath, before proceeding by turning towards the fourth wall.

Robin: and that concludes this episode of Guardian of the endless. Stay tuned for more folks!!!! And since it is a shameless derivative of various stuff, and one in particular, allow me to pay homage to 'tradition'.

a list of random bogus names start to appear, with  made up functions attached to them
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More random names thrown in a list
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Aren't we done with the credits right now?
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What more?
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Are those credits endless? (see what I did there?)
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Finally, they're over!!

"Imagine a big ship, a huge ship, the biggest colony ship one could see in this world, one has ever seen, and the biggest one will probably ever see in the galaxy. It was old, dusty, tattered and damaged in part ... but still very functional and glorious at the same time. In the council room next to the bridge, a submissive but respectful and loving servant was making his report to his no less beloved queen ... they were bonded by more than loyalty oaths after all. 

Despite the centuries, the memory of that fateful day remained, where every family and everyone was expected to sacrifice for the future ... including the first of the bloodline. 

They had finally found a few habitable worlds but none could ever match the beauty of their 'original' home ... despite the harsher and longer winter that finally dealt it a fatal blow.

No matter, the past was the past and they had a whole civilization to rebuilt.

Counselor Isaya: ... which means our third colonized system is doing well so far, same as the other two. Does this mean we are ready to wake up more of our brothers and sisters Queen Zolya?

Ilona Zolya: Yes indeed we are counselor, please see to it and ... hum ... I am sensing something is troubling you. Do you still have nightmares about Judit? ... wait ... no, it is about something else, isn't it?

Counselor Isaya: well, my Queen, once again, you are proving that you are as wise as you are perceptive ... but it is probably nothing.

Ilona Zolya: If it worries you so much, loyal counselor and dear friend, it must be something. Is it related with those band of ... shall we say ... very disparate pirate crew, you know, those who have caused so many problems to the unfallen lately.

Isaya: How did you ...?

Ilona Zolya: As Queen, it is my duty and responsibility to know such things. Might I assume that those pirates aren't aware of our capabilities and that you have already prepared an appropriate defense response?

Isaya nodded in agreement.

Isaya: Yes, indeed. Enough to make two flotillas at least. We can destroy them before they even have a chance to react. May we proceed Queen Zolya?

Ilona Zolya: Well, yes to the two flotillas, but no on the destruction. I want them alive, unharmed if possible and same thing for their ship: Functional and in one piece and undamaged if possible.

Isaya: I am ... not sure I understand my queen. May I ask what you have in mind?

Ilona Zolya: You can and I am willing to explain my intentions to you. But we'll do this in a couple of hours ... and please make sure my third daughter, Elyana, is there with us when I do, agreed?

Isaya: I ... hum ... agreed my queen.

(Screen fades to black on this episode ... for good this time!)

Brought to you by Asphodele studio.